why

Why couldn’t you say anything sooner? everything just too late, everything just full of regret. Unforgettable memories separated and tears spread. All the pains are revealed now. Are you wanted to facing toward this reality ?

I often asking myself,  do I have enthusiasm to treasuring us unhesitatingly ? I must be the strongest one, stronger than you ever expected to bring those unspoken promise into reality all alone.

I’m not even planning on giving up. But everytime I seeing you throw me as strong as loud I cry out. I can’t deny my thought, our memories which cracked start crying too.

Why couldn’t you say anything clearly? Since it's a promise made from the verge of tears and from compulsion smile. I’m such a coward, I know that I can’t handle this by myself.

I know I was born to this scenario, I knew it already. I don’t even want to liking you like this, or waiting you either. I just can’t deny my feelings. I’m upset with myself. I know it’s useless to write this damntext but I can’t handle myself. I know that I can’t handle myself

This. A dark side of mine? Am I a hypocrite ? Am I a liar? I don’t even know. I can’t convicing my own mind, my own feelings, is about you and you, I don’t know wheter i like you or just wanna be not alone, but this, I can’t handle it by myself.

Why I still write down your name? and why I didn’t even mad with anyone who mocking me about you? Why  I am being so pathetic ? Why I really feel that I’m a coward because of this uncontrolled ego?

I hate to do this, actually I won't. I want to talk less and do more, but what I did now is talk less and write more and more. I just can’t handle myself.

Maybe you, there, already fall out from this place, this zone, and my own fantastic world, maybe you, there, already escape from this unreality feelings. I want to find this feeling didn’t even exist. I wanna freely write down my own poetries without your name called on my mind. I wanna freely write down a story without wondering that you are the character inside. But, why I can’t handle it? I hate this childish me. I want to be mature, really, but how?

dear my dearest past, why I must facing toward this ? I can’t handle it. My ego is too damn high. Must I fake a smile again? Must I facing this problem silently? without anyone know? Really, I’m not wanted to let anyone know about this. I just love to write, but, must I hide it from my own life?

Am I doing this right?

Dear you,

Will you still looking at me after read this?

Will you  stay on this boundary line?

Or will you move forward ?

november 2012

...see you on unexpected time. maybe.