me wanted to clarify this,
I’m imperfect, (not) lovable.
But,
Let’s find a better destin(y)ation
to this unrequited love story, a drama.
Let’s go as long as we love.
I cared you, and I currently caring you
secretly,
all your old anttentivenes make me felt
anxiety,
and took a half of my
sanity, replaced
by yours.
Once
in my dream
I
was unable to recreate those scenario between us
then
I just realized you already gone
Once
in my dream
I
was unable to scream, calling your name
then
I just realized my voice didn’t even exist
and...one
day,
In
the middle of night that actually I won’t sleep for
once
in my dream
I
saw a million shining star singing
yelling
your name over and over again
they
show me how such a coward I am
they
ask why I just stand there silently
they
ask why I must waiting
but...one
day,
In
the middle of night that I waiting for
once
in my dream
I
saw you with all the scars
and
wounds you hide this far all alone
you
telling me, you asking me
“Are
you alone?”
This
unreality events strikes me
In
the past I can make you and me into us
I
can’t let tears comes out in reality
but,
once in that dream
I
crying
I
let all te tears, scars, wounds to be vanished
Saying
“sorry” uncountable times
you
started smiled and said
“I
won’t to leave you anymore”
Here
I am, a coward dreamer
dreaming
such a thing that cannot be real
wishing such a thing that I never deserve
How I can letting you go?
I don’t even know how, or when
When we were together
when we were smiled and laughed
all the happiness pieces scattered around
reflects into a small memory fragments
I just never thought you’d leave
I just never thought we’d separated
But
Once in that dream,
ridiculous me, I holded your hands
I
swear many things
you
smiled, I cried.
I
won’t regret this fact, I won’t forget this feel,
there
is nothing will ever change that
I
still miss you as loud as I cried in that dream [November 2012]
Why couldn’t you say anything sooner? everything just too
late, everything just full of regret. Unforgettable memories separated and
tears spread. All the pains are revealed now. Are you wanted to facing toward
this reality ?
I often asking myself, do I have enthusiasm to treasuring us
unhesitatingly ? I must be the strongest one, stronger than you ever expected to bring those unspoken promise into
reality all alone.
I’m not even planning on giving up. But everytime I seeing
you throw me as strong as loud I cry out. I can’t deny my thought, our
memories which cracked start crying too.
Why couldn’t you say anything clearly? Since it's a promise
made from the verge of tears and from compulsion smile. I’m such a coward, I
know that I can’t handle this by myself.
I know I was born to this scenario, I knew it already. I don’t
even want to liking you like this, or waiting you either. I just can’t deny my
feelings. I’m upset with myself. I know it’s useless to write this damntext
but I can’t handle myself. I know that I can’t handle myself
This. A dark side of mine? Am I a hypocrite ? Am I a liar? I
don’t even know. I can’t convicing my own mind, my own feelings, is about you
and you, I don’t know wheter i like you or just wanna be not alone, but this, I
can’t handle it by myself.
Why I still write down your name? and why I didn’t even mad
with anyone who mocking me about you? Why
I am being so pathetic ? Why I really feel that I’m a coward because of
this uncontrolled ego?
I hate to do this, actually I won't. I want to talk less and
do more, but what I did now is talk less and write more and more. I just can’t
handle myself.
Maybe you, there, already fall out from this place, this
zone, and my own fantastic world, maybe you, there, already escape from this
unreality feelings. I want to find this feeling didn’t even exist. I wanna
freely write down my own poetries without your name called on my mind. I wanna
freely write down a story without wondering that you are the character inside.
But, why I can’t handle it? I hate this childish me. I want to be mature,
really, but how?
dear my dearest past, why I must facing toward this ? I can’t
handle it. My ego is too damn high. Must I fake a smile again? Must I facing
this problem silently? without anyone know? Really, I’m not wanted to let
anyone know about this. I just love to write, but, must I hide it from my own
life?
Am I doing this right?
Dear you,
Will you still looking at me after read this?
Will you stay on this
boundary line?
Or will you move forward ?
november 2012
...see you on
unexpected time. maybe.
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